An Idiot’s guide to Economics

The parlous state we are in suggests that even our leaders find economics difficult to understand, however I have found this layman’s guide very helpful – hope you do too.
  • Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
  • Communism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.
  • Fascism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.
  • Nazism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
  • Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
  • Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
  • Royal Bank of Scotland (venture) Capitalism:nYou have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit from your brother in law at the bank. He then executes a debt equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred by intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows with an option for one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the USA, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
  • Surrealism: You have 2 giraffes. The state requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  • The American model: You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
  • The Greek model: You have 2 cows. You borrow billions of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have 2 cows.
  • The French model: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads and ports; because you want 3 cows.
  • The Japanese model: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon called Cowkimono and market it world wide.
  • The Italian model: You have 2 cows. You don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
  • The Swiss model: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
  • The Chinese model: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim to have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
  • The Indian model: You have 2 cows. You worship them.
  • The British model: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
  • The Iraqi model: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
  • The Australian model: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good, you decide to close the office and go for a few beers.
  • The New Zealand model: You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive . . .
  • The Philippine model: Daughter working abroad buys family 2 cows. Fiesta time, kill cows feed all the friends. Who needs a cow, milk comes in a box from the store.

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